I wish I could teleport
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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