The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize