my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
