Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
