I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize
