The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
