her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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