I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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