Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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