Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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