oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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