I think my fart just growled at me.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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