college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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