I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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