I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
