a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize