I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
