Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize