matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
