just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
