Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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