i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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