my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
