dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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