i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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