My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
