The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
