He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was like getting head from an anaconda
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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