Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
