I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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