If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
