Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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