ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
