Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He shit in the fireplace
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize