she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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