not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
