thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
