I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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