Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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