lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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