so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
