Can i not drive my cunt home
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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