laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
