dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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