I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
