we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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