I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
