I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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