While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
