her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
