Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
