i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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