there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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