some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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