Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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