he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just want nice things and good sex
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
