I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize