Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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(325): View more from Texas

The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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(786): View more from Florida

I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable

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(501): View more from Arkansas

No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything

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