bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
