When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
BRING THE BAGELS
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
