I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
PANTIES FOUND
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