if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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