theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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