what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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