i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
