You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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