sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
