remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
