so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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