I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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